What We Signal to Others Is Often What We Lack

Humans are social beings, and our behaviors often serve as a form of communication, consciously or unconsciously signaling aspects of who we are—or who we want others to think we are. All humans are, often unconsciously, continuously expressing their envisioned ideal way of being.

But paradoxically, the traits or qualities we most loudly project can reveal what we feel is absent within us.

This phenomenon is not new; it’s deeply rooted in psychology and social dynamics, and it manifests in how we present ourselves to the world, whether through possessions, achievements, or attitudes.

The Psychology of Projection

At its core, signaling arises from a desire to be valued or accepted by others. When people feel insecure or deficient in a particular area, they may compensate by emphasizing it outwardly. For example:

• Material Wealth: Someone who feels a lack of self-worth may invest heavily in luxury items to project status and success.

• Confidence: A person who constantly boasts about their abilities may be masking feelings of inadequacy or fear of judgment.

• Happiness: On social media, exaggerated displays of joy or a “perfect life” often come from those battling inner turmoil.

This behavior aligns with psychological theories such as compensatory behaviors, where individuals act to counterbalance perceived deficiencies.

Zahavian Signals and Authenticity

Biologist Amotz Zahavi introduced the concept of handicap signals—behaviors or traits that are costly and thus serve as credible signals of fitness. In human society, luxury goods, exclusive experiences, or even acts of altruism can serve as Zahavian signals. However, the irony is that these signals often don’t reflect intrinsic qualities. Instead, they compensate for internal voids.

For instance, someone deeply secure in their identity and achievements is less likely to flaunt them. They already possess what they value, making external validation unnecessary.

Why the Need to Signal?

Several factors drive the need to signal:

1. Societal Pressure: Modern culture heavily emphasizes external markers of success, from material wealth to social media popularity.

2. Insecurity: People fear being judged or underestimated, so they project an image that masks their perceived weaknesses.

3. Belonging: Humans crave connection, and signaling aligns with shared cultural or societal norms to fit in or gain acceptance.

The Pitfall of Superficial Signals

Relying on signals to compensate for inner lack creates a cycle of superficiality. It fosters relationships and interactions based on what is projected rather than who a person truly is. Over time, this can lead to feelings of emptiness or disconnect, as the pursuit of external validation rarely satisfies deeper needs.

Breaking Free: Finding Value Within

The antidote to over-signaling is cultivating inner growth and self-awareness. When individuals develop a strong sense of self-worth that isn’t tied to external validation, they no longer feel the need to prove themselves through material possessions or exaggerated personas. Instead, they naturally attract others who value them for their authenticity.

What if what we project is also what we need?

What we signal to others can also reveal what we truly need or desire, even if it’s not immediately apparent. While signaling often originates from a place of compensating for perceived deficiencies, it can also be a reflection of deeper, more genuine needs. These signals may point to the areas where we seek growth, healing, or connection, and can ultimately guide us toward what we truly seek to cultivate within ourselves.

For example:

1. Seeking validation: A person who often seeks admiration or approval may need reassurance and support. Their signaling, in the form of boasting or showcasing achievements, could reflect a need for emotional security or confidence.

2. Desire for connection: Someone who emphasizes happiness or social interactions might be signaling a deeper need for love, belonging, or meaningful relationships. The outward display of joy could be a way to signal a desire for emotional connection.

3. Material wealth: On a deeper level, a person who invests heavily in material possessions may not only be compensating for insecurities but may also be expressing a need for stability, success, or a sense of accomplishment.

The only exception to this rule

The idea that sharing experiences can be a practice of gratefulness highlights a crucial distinction between signaling and truly expressing appreciation for life’s blessings. In this context, sharing doesn’t stem from a need to project an idealized self or to seek validation, but rather from an authentic place of recognizing and honoring the richness of one’s life, no matter how big or small the experience.

Here’s a deeper look at this exception:

1. Celebrating the Present Moment: When individuals share their experiences out of gratitude, it’s often a reflection of living fully in the present. Whether it’s a beautiful moment spent with loved ones, a remarkable achievement, or even a simple but meaningful activity, these experiences are shared as a form of recognition—acknowledging how fortunate one is to be able to experience them. This kind of sharing invites others to appreciate the beauty of life, too, without the need for comparison or competition.

2. Connecting with Others on a Deeper Level: Grateful sharing creates an opportunity for genuine connection. By expressing thankfulness for moments in life, individuals offer a glimpse of their inner world, their joys, and their values. This can foster relationships that are grounded in mutual respect and shared appreciation. It’s not about showing off; it’s about creating an open space for others to feel seen and heard as well, often inspiring them to reflect on their own sources of gratitude.

3. Acknowledging Growth and Learning: Grateful sharing also extends to recognizing personal growth. When someone shares an experience in which they’ve learned something valuable, overcome a challenge, or made progress toward their goals, it’s an act of celebrating their own journey. It’s an acknowledgment that life is a continuous process of development and that even the struggles are part of a larger narrative of growth. Here, the focus is on the richness of the learning process, not just the outcome.

4. Fostering a Culture of Appreciation: In a world where many often feel pressure to project an idealized image, sharing experiences in a grateful way can be a practice of resistance against superficiality. By choosing to share what truly matters—simple pleasures, moments of peace, acts of kindness—individuals contribute to a cultural shift where gratitude becomes a currency for connection rather than a flashy display of status. This form of sharing encourages others to focus on what they have, rather than what they lack.

5. Inspiring Others to Reflect on Their Own Gratitude: When someone shares their experiences with a sense of genuine gratitude, it can encourage others to reflect on their own lives and identify the sources of their own appreciation. This ripple effect of gratitude can be transformative, shifting focus from what’s missing in life to what’s already present. In this sense, sharing becomes an act of service—not to impress, but to inspire others to count their blessings as well.

6. Reinforcing the Mind-Body Connection: Sharing experiences with gratitude also has a psychological and emotional benefit. It helps the individual reinforce their positive mindset, reinforcing their emotional well-being. The act of sharing becomes a way to relive joyful moments, further embedding them in their memory. It’s a way of celebrating the present and the past, reinforcing that what they’ve experienced is valuable, worthy of recognition, and integral to their personal happiness.

In conclusion, sharing experiences as a practice of gratefulness serves as a reminder of life’s gifts, helping individuals stay grounded in the present moment. It shifts the focus from external validation to internal satisfaction, where the joy of connection, learning, and appreciating what is already available takes precedence over any external approval or validation. It’s a form of personal and social enrichment that thrives not on comparison, but on collective recognition of life’s abundant blessings.

Conclusion

What we signal to others often reflects not what we have, but what we feel we lack. By recognizing this dynamic, individuals can shift their focus inward, striving for self-growth and fulfillment rather than relying on external validation. True confidence, after all, comes from within—and it requires no signal to prove its worth.

Ultimately, the things we signal to the world can provide insight into what we’re truly searching for on an emotional, spiritual, or psychological level. These signals can be invitations to self-awareness, prompting us to explore our inner world and address the needs and desires that drive our outward behavior.